but i have to.

little bird

anguishsquishy

Dialogue speech #1

so my love goes on

my african babies/worldvision.org

becoming better

Alom.

(The Trapeze Swinger: Iron and Wine)

From Austin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNCo7-LkUDE

....he will battle in time.

....he is out of my life.

...you were born to tell me goodbye.

...i want this so bad.

stubborn ++

being dirty.

its not healthy to forgive everyone all the time.

cigarette burn.

i want to be better.

dear my winston

sushi tongue.

Please Go,Go,Gogogo.

Hell, I am scared

It's okay

I forgive you

Country Miles- Camera Obscura.

road trip,09.

and the way she's changed my life.

and the way she's been the only one

that's never left.

and the way i thought

you'd show up

and sweepmeoffmyfeet.

and i left with nothing but what i came with.

"and the singer in the band

made me want to cry."

xo.victoria.

andrea.

Andrea.

• 11 years old
• Dark skin, black long hair
• Dirty face, 4 feet tall, 65 pounds, his eyes are black.
• Dark night, cold sidewalk, big backpack, barefoot, chapped lips,

so i stopped.

"are you scared?"

"i'm always scared."

"do you need help?"

"yes please."

make somebody's life better today.

10/6/09 journal

I'm happier now, than i've ever been before. All the people, I used to know,

have moved away, they're lovers with each other, they're going places. I don't see anything

that has to do with what I used to be; I don't see anything that has to do with what I wanted to be. All the people, that I wanted to share apart of me with; you don't know me anymore. What used to feel like being naked now feels like being pure. Look at me, look at you. I want to shout and tell you that you're gonna be big one day, but i can't lie to you anymore so i'm going to walk away right now and I'm going to hold my face in my hands so that i can't bend my mouth around my head just to tell you what you want to hear. All the people that I used to dream with, they're living my dream, the one i used to talk about. I'm so glad you all got out, but remember that I'm still here. Nothing is like i wanted it to be, nothing is good, nothing is ever right here at home, but i'm so much happier than you. I'm so much happier than every single person that I could cry and clap. Everywhere I go feels like home, everyone I meet feels like a new start.

Lover with no love

i promise to protect your innocence.

nobody knows what is happening in their lives

away with it, i said.

i'm a happy soul now,

im a happy soldier, dancer,

believe me please.

its so loud out there, momma and daddy are yelling, they said grandma's sick, and i locked myself in my closet till morning.

wishing for words.

October 27, Pt 1

October 8, Pt 1

September 4, Pt 1

September 8, Pt 1

September 5, Pt 1

October 6th, Pt 2

and since that day, the spot you called ours,

i've made mine,

the most beautiful gift i've ever gotten.

what a lovely

place.

it is

maybeonedayyou'llcomeagain.

pt 2

i will eat you alive,pt 1

daddy.

\\\eng221, hw.

come out to play and make me happy.

this winter.

i'm burning, it hurts.

daddy, please smile.

The Diamond Mine by Nadine Gordimer.

lets make progress some time soon

you are (MY) butterfly.

come with me. DONT.

drink with me, 3.

drink to the found.

angel.

Shhh. I'm sleeping.

i am a wild bear.

road trip 08.

saying goodbye.

I sat in the airport with nothing really… I waited for my flight to depart; delayed. I ate panda express and she gave me extra chow mien. The flight next to me was taking off to Nashville. I ripped a piece of paper out of my journal and tried to make the edges straight but they were crooked. I wrote:

(goodbye)

August 19, 2009

And folded it up into three creases. I gave it to somebody who was going to Nashville. I said I’ve had a lot of bad times with Nashville and I’m trying to let go. I need to say goodbye. They said okay. I said thank you. They said yes.

Goodbye Nashville. Goodbye dream.

please dont eat my trust.

You are something to talk about

Or something to believe in

Or something…

You’ve been something to stand by

And finally you’re something to regret

Your absence is a beautiful thing

It’s the mud that splatters on my calves when I run my fastest

I didn’t get far

Eventually I am peeling dirt off my skin

my muscles are burning

my cheeks are fiery with tears,

that never seem to come

no matter how hard I try

You are my sweetest let down

You are not my sweetest joy

hide.

Why do you hide yourself, little one

From the eyes that are a ruin

They see your flaw

And love you more

Hide yourself from the eyes that are with no fault

And watch with obscurity

Not from mine that are muddled and jumbled

And watch with purity

----- -------- --------- ------- ---------- ------------

fact.

I have not been this frightened in quite some time. I have vowed, shall I not break that everlasting oath unto you, unto those, and unto myself. I cannot now continue to allow this upon myself. To all I am but a colored slave, entitled to what has not yet been given to me. I am not entitled, never to be. I am not but a living creature with cravings as you all; justified to nothing. There are two pictures in my head. Sardonically one is good and one is bad, compacting image of a grown body into an immature mind. There is shelter, although simple, composed of earthly materials such as rocks, stones, dandelions. I blow the seeds of the dandelion; they fly into the second picture and get eaten by habit. Habit is a rekindling creature that comes out every time I allow it to. Habit always dies and I am the only one able to rekindle its burning hunger. Habit mocks me until I allow it to return. I cannot continue this pattern because it erodes my skin and feels good which is good but not right. There is Substance in my mind. It must exit. But exit is invisible to me and to Substance; which crawls around in my head. It tweaks me and tickles my brain until I can do nothing but hurl in a reckless ball of body upon the ground in a relentless effort to put Substance to sleep. Substance is inexorable and unusually strong in physical and mental strength, although I am stronger because I am existence. Substance has no substance, although sometimes it is substance. I wish to remove this from my head, not memory, forever although possibility would be an underlying factor. I have approximately 26 trillion red blood cells in the human body that I am living in. How much of me could you take without taking me? How much of me could you take without taking you? Surely there are cells intertwined with yours inside of the body that I take temporary dwelling inside of. Surely there are beginnings of X-chromosomes connecting with ends of Y-chromosomes. Surely this does not make me you, only mingles interminably. How could this be if this is not meant to be?

Things (are becoming painfully obvious)

angry plane.

a decision that cannot be left to chance. Wherever the answer lies, we must find this ending point in time. For how much longer can myself be found in determination? Can I not find something beyond this means, inevitably concrete, existing? There simply is no room for naivety to begin trying this extant. The dealer says don’t play, but tells me I have a Royal Flush… I feel like spitting on that Ace and throwing it onto his greasy face. Instead I walk away from the dirty table because something that I cannot lose is my dignity. My King of hearts falls to the floor into the sticky mess of beer you’ve left on the concrete. You are full of majesty, why are you not the King of this place? Noble and handsome, fallen and broken hearted. Little one, those are there to make space for all of the pieces of myself I will bring to you. This cannot be a time for a game of cards… Choose your detour correctly, because it is only a detour not an alternate route. You are at my funeral. This is not the detour I chose! You are screaming at all of the people. They do not have faces only black suites. You asked for my heart. You said you didn’t need it but you asked for it anyway. I said yes. You said thank you. I loved that voice. I want to ask for my heart back but you couldn’t hear me anymore. I am in the ground and you don’t know where I went. You are screaming at everybody, but your not screaming about me. Don’t you know what I would do for you? I don’t feel you anymore. I love you for the memories of when I did feel you. Will I keep them or will they go away? Stranger. You consist of naivety. Don’t you know? You fool. I want everything. You bastard. Don’t give me everything; just give me what is mine, you bastard. Give me everything, you fucking bastard. I love you! More than anyone ever will. I am made of chance. Why can you not supply me with some sort of foundational ground? The ground has been floating underneath me for too long, it has turned me into chance. It has turned me into crashing determination. What is this about???????? A decision that cannot be left to chance “I am chance”. STRANGERS, who do they think they are. Who do you think you are? People and their naivety. This world will be gone in time anyway. You’ll be dust and I’ll be dust and so will the lady sitting next to me…she tries to read my paper and I stare into her eyes so she looks away. So will office depot where we wrestled all sweaty in your car and so will Tennessee where I said goodbye and sent you off. Your guitars will be dust and so will your voice that sang me to sleep every night. Your dumb jean shorts and the stupid present I made you for your birthday will all be dust. So why am I fighting so hard anyway? I guess I cant help it… I guess I’m afraid to lose all of these memories.. I guess I want to write down everything so that I don’t forget in 3 years if you still haven’t come back. I want to write down the times you’ve laughed the hardest and the times you told me I was the hottest girl you’ve ever seen. I want to write down the times I held your hand and I want to write down the times we made out. I want to write down all the tv show’s we’ve watched and all the food we’ve shared. I don’t want to forget. Please. Don’t let me forget. I cannot forget what I love. Please come home soon. I desperately miss you.

Find me. Please.

when you're around i feel like i did last year, i mean when i was 8. when i played hide and seek and my entire body was shaking because i could hear the finder's tiny voice throughout the dark house. ready or not hear i come. it was but a whisper through the layers of pillows that invaded my personal space and clogged my passage to air. i was never one of those kids to reveal my hiding spot before the finder would find me. i never understood the point when kids came crawling out from underneath desks and shimmying their scrawny bodies from behind bedposts. were they scared of the dark or were they scared of success? i always sat the quietest and i never came out of my chamber. while i was there it turned into my castle and i was the queen. although i was silent in waiting, in my head i was ruling the world. nothing could stop me. it was the most amazing feeling in the world. i absolutely loved this game. the only thing that could halfway give away my secret consignment was the occasional giggle that snuck out of the men and woman and children that I was in company with, eating and dancing and singing with. Suddenly the pillow that seemed to be 100 feet long would be lifted off my face and the finder would laugh, knowing she’d won. “found you”, she’d say. I’d laugh too and forget, for now, about my secret and enchanted castle. I’d climb out of the pile using all of my muscles. This was a great game. When I was 8 I felt good.

Winners.

This weapon of destruction swallows people’s suffering. And no confusion. You ain’t winning if you’re losing.

There’s no point in straining when you’re stuck inside that medium. What I mean is that there really shouldn’t be any struggle with medium. If you’re not winning than you’re losing. There’s a lot of “moral victories” in this world, but that doesn’t mean it’s a victory. What I mean is that even if you’re trying it doesn’t often mean you’re gonna win. Does that even count for anything anymore? I think it just shallows people’s suffering. Everybody’s always trying to strip away their pain but that’s something that never leaves. You might think you found a savior that comes into your life and relieves you of your troubles but it only covers them up or bury them deep. There really is no worldly savior. Maybe you are not trying hard enough or maybe you are trying as hard as you can. But you probably wont win either way. What I mean is that you HAVE to fight but it probably wont change anything. A lot of people stop fighting, and a lot of people think that their fighting will bring about what they are fighting for. I try not to believe in this near “myth”. This is a hard concept, I know. but sometimes it takes a lot of suffering to bring about bliss. There are two earthly things that can bring bliss… suffering and innocence. Sometimes you come to a point in time where you cannot lose anything else because all has already been lost, that is true bliss because that is true independence. When nobody or nothing can cause your suffering, you have experienced mature bliss. Than your strife must turn into strife for others and not for yourself. Just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost. Just because I’m hurting, doesn’t mean I’m hurt. You might be a big fish, in a little pond. This doesn’t mean you’ve won, cause might come along, a bigger one. nb

the night you picked me up. inaccurately described.

A lot’s gone bad and continues to go bad. There are things that are so etched in my mind that I feel like I am there. No, not yesterday. I am there. Some of these things are great things. Some of them are not. But it doesn’t seem to matter now. I sit here in my 250,000 dollar house in a bedroom with a king size bed with my Strawberry Cheesecake candle burning. About 5 % of me hopes that I don’t fall asleep and burn it down. The rest of me dreams for other things, thinks of other things, has no room to hope for no fire. So I went back to that parking lot that we went to when I snuck out of my house at 12:01 AM on January 6-7^th 2008. 16 years old. 19 years old. What does that night mean to you? I can’t imagine you haven’t thought about it since. I sat there and thought about the little details of that night. The puzzle you made for me. Why didn’t you want to keep one of the pieces so that you could bring it back to me when you came home? Why did you make me take the whole puzzle? I don’t want the whole damn puzzle, you know that? I wanted you to have a damn piece of the damn puzzle. I hate that puzzle. I hate it because it’s a whole puzzle, I wanted there to be a piece missing. It can’t possibly be whole with you gone… so why did you even give me that damn puzzle. Blue polka dots and white string. Now I can’t find my sock. Gotta find my sock. Throw those out the window! “I don’t want you coming back here to get those. Those stay out there in this parking lot. They will blow away. Let them go” “Okay.” Blue polka dots on the gray floor mat. “I love you.” “I love you.” 90 days. 1440 minutes/day. 129,600 minutes. Can love change in that many minutes? I wonder. Maybe more minute’s cause my math might be off. It’s getting late. All I can smell is Strawberry Cheesecake and you. Did you know I was crying when we pulled over? Just one or two tears, and you never even saw me. It was because every ounce of me longed for you, the passion inside of me had outgrown my insides. I couldn’t bear it any longer. I was messing up. You were angry at me. You told me you were angry. We sat in the car. I sat on my side and you sat on yours. You said “its ok”. And I cried two tears. Than I told you I had to pee and you said you did too. That was the first time we went to 711 that night. I wanted to drive because I didn’t want you to see me crying. I wanted to make you happy. How could I make you happy if I was crying? I haven’t written about this night since that night. We went to 711 and we had a pee race competition. You peed faster. But I washed my hands and you didn’t. than we left. We went to that one parking lot. The one that had the grass that I wanted to lay in but you didn’t because you were too cold. So we stayed in the car. I didn’t really want to lay in the grass I was just sad and that is why I got out of the car and asked if you wanted to lay in the grass. That parking lot isn’t my God. Sure felt like it that night. 16 years old. 19 years old. We listened to Beach House and you made up your own lyrics about McDonalds and called it Bitch Hoose. You asked kindly. I said yes. We went back to 711. I stayed in the car. I said please. You said okay.

“I love you.” “I love you.”

I fell asleep

You woke me up

I can’t stop shaking. Please sing me the calm down with me song. I guess not. Please sing me a worship song. Please. Please. Please sing me In Christ Alone. Please pray so quiet that I have to push the phone so close to my ear that my ear feels numb after you say Amen. Please sing me the calm down with me song and call me Bay Ba Boo.

Now its late and I’m on the phone with you and you are singing to me. I am falling asleep but I would never actually fall asleep. When you are done I am awake again. You tell me you are going to get a drink of water. I am going to go with you. Soon I have to pee so I take you with me. Time is the only thing against us, and we can deal with that. I ask you how you feel and you say good. I am too so you make me feel better and than you get sleepy and sing me the calm down with me song. I tell you a story. Suddenly we’re not sleepy anymore. 3AM. We wish we could kiss through the phone. So maybe you come over and kiss me? Maybe… but most likely we’ll just talk about you coming over and kissing me.. we both know we have great imaginations.I watch the video’s inside of your head and you make sure I can see them alright. you tell me about Magooville and all that it has to offer me. Can we go back there? Ever? Please? Milk dud trees and a hill that overlooks everything with a pond we can make love beside. It’s all ours. I don’t understand how this city does not enter your mind and prompt you to call.

Nobody said it would be easy.

I wish I didn’t fall asleep

That night was tonight.

Nothing was right and nothing was good. But I love you

We were sad together except we still smiled and loved. We learned to look past and love. Can love change in 129,600 minutes? No. I’m sorry. I would like another chance please, 719 205 9082, 7196844804, I still have it, but I wont call. I still love you. is it still you? have you been to office depot? I have. Sometimes I leave notes and hope that the next day you show up and write your number on it, inviting a phone call. Than I would call you and be so happy. Happiness doesn’t come from other people. When that happens I am never happy. Happiness comes from god. God is good and never leaves. I cant remember a time that I saw you after January 6-7 2008. That was the last time I saw you. I got out of the car and I didn’t close the door. You told me “go” and so I closed the door but I didn’t go. Why did you know that it would be a long time? I put my hand on the window and you kissed your hand and put it against mine. But I couldn’t feel it cause that glass got in the way. That damn glass. I just wanted to feel your hand. But the glass got in the way. All the sudden I ran. Than I fell asleep.

You didn’t wake me up.

A lot has changed. A lot of bad has happened. Nothing is good. But I love you. I am in love with you. Am I in love with a stranger? I just need to know this. Please. I just need to know if I know you.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. Maybe one day i will try to re-write this and make it fairly accurate.

keeping secrets.

I write because I have secrets that I cannot tell anybody here. I write to you because you are the only one that know my secrets. I tuck the paper away in a blank envelope and seal them as tight as I can because you left. I am thinking very hard right now. I have sat here with this blank piece of paper for several hours. I cannot get words onto this blank piece of paper. I am trying to make things simple for a reader by concentrating very hard. The notion of loneliness does not scare me. I am not scared of myself. How is anybody afraid to die? I am scared to live, I am not scared to die. I am not scared to feel pain. I have already felt the pain. I cannot feel it any more than I have. That does not scare me. What scares me is not feeling the pain. I am sitting at the bus stop with my suitcase and a long world length mirror is across the street, which helps me to stare at myself in the eyes. I am not scared to stay here, I have already stayed. I am just scared of not going because what if you are there calling. “Put that suitcase away. This mirror will travel with you wherever you go. You will look across pastures, through rivers, and above mountains and you will see this mirror. It will continue to force you to look into your own eyes. You will not be able to run from who you are.” Somebody used to tell me that I would “be ok”. I never understood this statement. You know if somebody tells you that you will be ok, that person knows you wont be. Nobody goes around saying “you’ll be ok” if they know you are fine. I left that bus before anybody could see me there. I took a rock and smashed it against the world length mirror and took a piece of it with me. I look in it and see you in me and know that I still have a piece of you.

The sound of loneliness makes me happier.

the old lady.

_____________________

The other day I was driving down the road and I saw an old lady walking on the sidewalk. She looked lost, so I pulled over. I asked her if she needed a ride. She said she didn’t know where she was. I could tell she was ill. She could barely walk. She could barely talk. She got in my car and started crying. I asked her where she needed to go. She told me an address. It wasn’t far from where she was wandering. I asked her where she was coming from. She said home. I asked her who she lives with. She said her husband. I wondered where he was. I didn’t ask. I asked her where she was going. She didn’t answer me. I dropped her off. I gave her my number. I told her to call me if she needed a ride home. She got out and left. She never called me.

___________________________

random thoughts

Inside of my body is blood that is flowing too fast and a heart that chooses when it wants to beat. Sometimes when I feel like being sad I look around at this world. It is scary when you wake up and realize what an odd life the sleeping one is. Last week I was on my way to the cemetery to visit Samuel Call. Samuel was a smart baby. He was a gift to the Call Family, but God was playing Indian giver cause he wanted him back after one day. I was driving on 10^th street. Outside the car window there was a girl sprinting the sidewalk crying so many tears that I wondered why they didn’t empty out. “Run! Faster!” I whispered to her. I know she heard me; because she ran so much faster.

my mind.

4th of July here in the USA, too bad the city cut back the budget by 39 grand. I watch you anyways. This time's not the same but the scenes project themselves and it becomes awfully close. I take a time bomb back to last year and enjoy that one instead. By the time I snap back the show is over, but last years is still going, so I choose that one instead. Its not like I’m missing the lights, I’m just watching a different one than every body else's. There’s a lot more people now; because now its last years and this years voices. I turn them off and turn up the exploding until it’s blasting everybody over. Everybody is falling over but I max it out anyway. Some times people fall over for no reason. The grass competes for wet and dry. Last year wants it to be wet and this year wants it to be dry. It fights battles in my head and the swords stab my brain. I make sure that I don’t interfere in the fight. I laugh under my breath because I am temporarily a bystander of my own mind. I can’t tell where I laugh, but I think it is silent. I hear a word in this year at the same time as I hear the same word from last year. This smashes last year. This year always wins when that happens. I have no idea what the voices are talking about in this year, the only reason I came back is because the words synced. This is when it starts getting crowded. All of the sudden like an attack on pearl harbor; last year fast forwards, rewinds, pauses, plays… divides into another and another and another. Before I know it I have two eyes and one brain attending 4 different places and one body participating in 4 events. I do not interfere. because I can’t. i am sorry that I cannot explain this better, my mind is wandering.

August 2.09

I used to be angry and impatient and frightened. Now I’ve become just increasingly ill, or maybe just worn thin. You say you don’t want to hurt me, but don’t be worried, you couldn’t dent me if you tried. I stand here staring at you, really I’m not cause you’re nowhere near, but all your videos run through my head like a slideshow that cannot pause and cannot fast-forward. Last week I cried in the airplane coming home from Vermont because the teenage boy in the window seat next to me told me about whats happened to him. When it got too hard to speak I wrote it down on a napkin instead. I shared my pop rocks with him and they fizzed on his tongue. I read where somebody said they wanted to have their funeral now so they could see who would show up. I never want to have my funeral. Cause I know exactly who would show up and who wouldn’t.

(August 2.09)

(more)

I love you more (oh beautiful creation), more than any one on this earth does. And more than any one who breathes through out their salty lungs. Or who doesn't. I love you more (oh beautiful creation) than anything in the sky, flame, or ocean. For my dear, it surely flies higher than the eagles, burns brighter than the ashes, and longs deeper than the darkest waters. I love you louder than the thunder and sharper than the sharks tooth. I welcome you. Such saddness, my dear, that I love you more. Than you love me.

My yellow bird sings.

This was it.

I can see a lot of life in you. I can see a lot of bright in you.

It is where

laughing and smiling and exist

where sparkling water can be seen

for miles

where you and i talk for hours

it is where we explored

and found the forbidden

we dove into the water as free fish

and came up with hooks

never to be removed

it was where

it started

...When the world looks back. When the face looks after that..

Poison Oak- Bright Eyes

"When the telephone was a tin can on a string. And i fell

asleep with you still talking to me.

You said you weren't afraid to die.

I don't think I ever loved you more

than when you turned away

and when you slammed the door

You stole the car

and drove towards Mexico. I was young

and I still believed in war.

And I'm glad you got away, but I'm still stuck out

here

The sound of loneliness makes me happier

I never thought this life was possible.

You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for."

Poison Oak- Bright Eyes

--

you are the atom of my creation

this is the atom of all creation

you are the single atom that composes

all that i think of

i do not need you

how are your atoms inside of my skin

and flesh

please leave them there

wish you were here.

I can't quite make sense

of why the winter wind sings song of us

or why the darkest nights breathe

our air

can not the seasons tell

that summer has been long gone?

in quiet affliction you search for something

to occupy your mind

besides the tune of me

i burrow in blankets

sigh, roll over, sit up. because

in this moment i have become complacent

in knowing that grief is honest

your beauty is violence

and your roar is too loud

perhaps we have become but nothing

was it compromise

or was it fate

my heart is like a little house burning

with no love to put the fire out

perhaps we have become

but nothing

but certainly we were

once everything

lets all throw out time and live without it.

i suppose we both knew nothing lasts forever

this was too good to be true

it was getting colder outside

and the path we walked

when the breeze was warm

was now covered in snow

our days weren't infinite

and the clock didn't stop

no matter how much we asked

it to. the seconds kept ticking.

and the little moments of simple contentment would fade

we knew it just as we knew about death

we knew it to be there

always

but we didn't think it would happen so soon

we thought we'd be smarter

well-prepared

more mature

less naive

but time has a mind

it chose to happen

sooner than we thought

i wasn't ready for us to end

but time and you were against me

we had eternity planned

i had eternity planned

it turns out eternity is six months and one day

When I was 10.

They told us

back in grade 3

"Shoot for the moon, and if you miss,

you'll land among the stars"

They didn't tell us

Stars burn

Fast and bright

the moon remains

a steadfast sight

of what they aren't

of what they dream

that they seem

aim high

they said

just try

they said

but what about loss

it's something they can't teach you in grade 3

it's something that you must learn

eventually,

the moon is mocking me

promises

I don't know where I stand with you, but I'll stand anywhere you want me to.

I don't know what you need, but I'll be what you have. I don't know much about you anymore, but I know who you are. And this shall be interminably.

I don't know where you are going, but I know I am willing to come.

I thought I had an honest grip on things, but I opened the box full of letters under my bed and smelled your smell. Than I fell down hard.

Please do not say you love me before you turn your back and run further away.

Please do not mutter full and empty words underneath your breath as though I mean anything.

Please do not yell them either.

Do not bury yourself deeper in the mud of concrete supposition that I am fighting to free you from.

Perhaps you think I could forget the regretful apologies I have received, but those promises were promised so very long ago.

No, I have not forgotten the good that was done. But as much as I try to forget, I still remember the things that you have undoubtedly kept forgetting.

Infatuation eats me to rust but I search for healing. I suppose I believe you treasure me deep inside. I suppose I am not lying to myself when I say that you care.

But I also wonder if I am being completely honest.

To love somebody is a lot different when you are their nobody.

I don't know where I stand with you, but I'll stand wherever you want me to.

I have a bleeding heart. and it loves you.

Here I am. Once Again.

Here I am, Once Again?

I know nothing stays the same...but if you're willing to play the game, it's coming around again. So I don't mind if I fall apart. There's more room in a broken heart. And I believe in love, but what else could I possibly do, I'm so in love with you.

You must not know my name.The purpose of this blog is to document. "I am not a writer. I am not a poet. I am not profound. My words have no substantive value. But I am aware." I have lessons that have been learned and days that have been lived. I am not old. I am not young. I am not naive. I am not wise and I am not unsure. I know what I desire. I know what I desire is not within reach. I know this is alright.

I am not afraid to die. I have lived my life thus far and am not scared of those who can bring merely my flesh to death. Although I respect living, it is this that becomes more difficult than dying. Who says they will die for me? I laugh at them. In mind not body. When somebody lives for me than she shall truly be willing to die for me. Who would I die for? You might find out. But I truly would not die for you unless I am living for you. This seems only right in this mind of mine. And this is the assumptions that I have accumulated over my lifetime.

I have learned many things. I have seen hope, trust, and death. I have been lost. I have been alone all the while being with. I have made tree forts and cookies. I have had shopping cart races and hospital visits. I've worn friendship bracelet's and than I've misplaced them. I've danced all night and snuck out late. I've drank my coffee, my tea, and my beer. I've shared my newest toys, watched the stars, and even made a friend. I've fallen off the trampoline and I've driven just to drive. I've basically seen the world through my eyes that guide me. I've learned a lot, but still can't quite see, why nothing ever happens that makes sense to me. Soon I will learn this.