angry plane.

a decision that cannot be left to chance. Wherever the answer lies, we must find this ending point in time. For how much longer can myself be found in determination? Can I not find something beyond this means, inevitably concrete, existing? There simply is no room for naivety to begin trying this extant. The dealer says don’t play, but tells me I have a Royal Flush… I feel like spitting on that Ace and throwing it onto his greasy face. Instead I walk away from the dirty table because something that I cannot lose is my dignity. My King of hearts falls to the floor into the sticky mess of beer you’ve left on the concrete. You are full of majesty, why are you not the King of this place? Noble and handsome, fallen and broken hearted. Little one, those are there to make space for all of the pieces of myself I will bring to you. This cannot be a time for a game of cards… Choose your detour correctly, because it is only a detour not an alternate route. You are at my funeral. This is not the detour I chose! You are screaming at all of the people. They do not have faces only black suites. You asked for my heart. You said you didn’t need it but you asked for it anyway. I said yes. You said thank you. I loved that voice. I want to ask for my heart back but you couldn’t hear me anymore. I am in the ground and you don’t know where I went. You are screaming at everybody, but your not screaming about me. Don’t you know what I would do for you? I don’t feel you anymore. I love you for the memories of when I did feel you. Will I keep them or will they go away? Stranger. You consist of naivety. Don’t you know? You fool. I want everything. You bastard. Don’t give me everything; just give me what is mine, you bastard. Give me everything, you fucking bastard. I love you! More than anyone ever will. I am made of chance. Why can you not supply me with some sort of foundational ground? The ground has been floating underneath me for too long, it has turned me into chance. It has turned me into crashing determination. What is this about???????? A decision that cannot be left to chance “I am chance”. STRANGERS, who do they think they are. Who do you think you are? People and their naivety. This world will be gone in time anyway. You’ll be dust and I’ll be dust and so will the lady sitting next to me…she tries to read my paper and I stare into her eyes so she looks away. So will office depot where we wrestled all sweaty in your car and so will Tennessee where I said goodbye and sent you off. Your guitars will be dust and so will your voice that sang me to sleep every night. Your dumb jean shorts and the stupid present I made you for your birthday will all be dust. So why am I fighting so hard anyway? I guess I cant help it… I guess I’m afraid to lose all of these memories.. I guess I want to write down everything so that I don’t forget in 3 years if you still haven’t come back. I want to write down the times you’ve laughed the hardest and the times you told me I was the hottest girl you’ve ever seen. I want to write down the times I held your hand and I want to write down the times we made out. I want to write down all the tv show’s we’ve watched and all the food we’ve shared. I don’t want to forget. Please. Don’t let me forget. I cannot forget what I love. Please come home soon. I desperately miss you.