the night you picked me up. inaccurately described.

A lot’s gone bad and continues to go bad. There are things that are so etched in my mind that I feel like I am there. No, not yesterday. I am there. Some of these things are great things. Some of them are not. But it doesn’t seem to matter now. I sit here in my 250,000 dollar house in a bedroom with a king size bed with my Strawberry Cheesecake candle burning. About 5 % of me hopes that I don’t fall asleep and burn it down. The rest of me dreams for other things, thinks of other things, has no room to hope for no fire. So I went back to that parking lot that we went to when I snuck out of my house at 12:01 AM on January 6-7^th 2008. 16 years old. 19 years old. What does that night mean to you? I can’t imagine you haven’t thought about it since. I sat there and thought about the little details of that night. The puzzle you made for me. Why didn’t you want to keep one of the pieces so that you could bring it back to me when you came home? Why did you make me take the whole puzzle? I don’t want the whole damn puzzle, you know that? I wanted you to have a damn piece of the damn puzzle. I hate that puzzle. I hate it because it’s a whole puzzle, I wanted there to be a piece missing. It can’t possibly be whole with you gone… so why did you even give me that damn puzzle. Blue polka dots and white string. Now I can’t find my sock. Gotta find my sock. Throw those out the window! “I don’t want you coming back here to get those. Those stay out there in this parking lot. They will blow away. Let them go” “Okay.” Blue polka dots on the gray floor mat. “I love you.” “I love you.” 90 days. 1440 minutes/day. 129,600 minutes. Can love change in that many minutes? I wonder. Maybe more minute’s cause my math might be off. It’s getting late. All I can smell is Strawberry Cheesecake and you. Did you know I was crying when we pulled over? Just one or two tears, and you never even saw me. It was because every ounce of me longed for you, the passion inside of me had outgrown my insides. I couldn’t bear it any longer. I was messing up. You were angry at me. You told me you were angry. We sat in the car. I sat on my side and you sat on yours. You said “its ok”. And I cried two tears. Than I told you I had to pee and you said you did too. That was the first time we went to 711 that night. I wanted to drive because I didn’t want you to see me crying. I wanted to make you happy. How could I make you happy if I was crying? I haven’t written about this night since that night. We went to 711 and we had a pee race competition. You peed faster. But I washed my hands and you didn’t. than we left. We went to that one parking lot. The one that had the grass that I wanted to lay in but you didn’t because you were too cold. So we stayed in the car. I didn’t really want to lay in the grass I was just sad and that is why I got out of the car and asked if you wanted to lay in the grass. That parking lot isn’t my God. Sure felt like it that night. 16 years old. 19 years old. We listened to Beach House and you made up your own lyrics about McDonalds and called it Bitch Hoose. You asked kindly. I said yes. We went back to 711. I stayed in the car. I said please. You said okay.

“I love you.” “I love you.”

I fell asleep

You woke me up

I can’t stop shaking. Please sing me the calm down with me song. I guess not. Please sing me a worship song. Please. Please. Please sing me In Christ Alone. Please pray so quiet that I have to push the phone so close to my ear that my ear feels numb after you say Amen. Please sing me the calm down with me song and call me Bay Ba Boo.

Now its late and I’m on the phone with you and you are singing to me. I am falling asleep but I would never actually fall asleep. When you are done I am awake again. You tell me you are going to get a drink of water. I am going to go with you. Soon I have to pee so I take you with me. Time is the only thing against us, and we can deal with that. I ask you how you feel and you say good. I am too so you make me feel better and than you get sleepy and sing me the calm down with me song. I tell you a story. Suddenly we’re not sleepy anymore. 3AM. We wish we could kiss through the phone. So maybe you come over and kiss me? Maybe… but most likely we’ll just talk about you coming over and kissing me.. we both know we have great imaginations.I watch the video’s inside of your head and you make sure I can see them alright. you tell me about Magooville and all that it has to offer me. Can we go back there? Ever? Please? Milk dud trees and a hill that overlooks everything with a pond we can make love beside. It’s all ours. I don’t understand how this city does not enter your mind and prompt you to call.

Nobody said it would be easy.

I wish I didn’t fall asleep

That night was tonight.

Nothing was right and nothing was good. But I love you

We were sad together except we still smiled and loved. We learned to look past and love. Can love change in 129,600 minutes? No. I’m sorry. I would like another chance please, 719 205 9082, 7196844804, I still have it, but I wont call. I still love you. is it still you? have you been to office depot? I have. Sometimes I leave notes and hope that the next day you show up and write your number on it, inviting a phone call. Than I would call you and be so happy. Happiness doesn’t come from other people. When that happens I am never happy. Happiness comes from god. God is good and never leaves. I cant remember a time that I saw you after January 6-7 2008. That was the last time I saw you. I got out of the car and I didn’t close the door. You told me “go” and so I closed the door but I didn’t go. Why did you know that it would be a long time? I put my hand on the window and you kissed your hand and put it against mine. But I couldn’t feel it cause that glass got in the way. That damn glass. I just wanted to feel your hand. But the glass got in the way. All the sudden I ran. Than I fell asleep.

You didn’t wake me up.

A lot has changed. A lot of bad has happened. Nothing is good. But I love you. I am in love with you. Am I in love with a stranger? I just need to know this. Please. I just need to know if I know you.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. Maybe one day i will try to re-write this and make it fairly accurate.