daddy, please smile.

The Diamond Mine by Nadine Gordimer.

lets make progress some time soon

you are (MY) butterfly.

come with me. DONT.

drink with me, 3.

drink to the found.

angel.

Shhh. I'm sleeping.

i am a wild bear.

road trip 08.

saying goodbye.

I sat in the airport with nothing really… I waited for my flight to depart; delayed. I ate panda express and she gave me extra chow mien. The flight next to me was taking off to Nashville. I ripped a piece of paper out of my journal and tried to make the edges straight but they were crooked. I wrote:

(goodbye)

August 19, 2009

And folded it up into three creases. I gave it to somebody who was going to Nashville. I said I’ve had a lot of bad times with Nashville and I’m trying to let go. I need to say goodbye. They said okay. I said thank you. They said yes.

Goodbye Nashville. Goodbye dream.

please dont eat my trust.

You are something to talk about

Or something to believe in

Or something…

You’ve been something to stand by

And finally you’re something to regret

Your absence is a beautiful thing

It’s the mud that splatters on my calves when I run my fastest

I didn’t get far

Eventually I am peeling dirt off my skin

my muscles are burning

my cheeks are fiery with tears,

that never seem to come

no matter how hard I try

You are my sweetest let down

You are not my sweetest joy

hide.

Why do you hide yourself, little one

From the eyes that are a ruin

They see your flaw

And love you more

Hide yourself from the eyes that are with no fault

And watch with obscurity

Not from mine that are muddled and jumbled

And watch with purity

----- -------- --------- ------- ---------- ------------

fact.

I have not been this frightened in quite some time. I have vowed, shall I not break that everlasting oath unto you, unto those, and unto myself. I cannot now continue to allow this upon myself. To all I am but a colored slave, entitled to what has not yet been given to me. I am not entitled, never to be. I am not but a living creature with cravings as you all; justified to nothing. There are two pictures in my head. Sardonically one is good and one is bad, compacting image of a grown body into an immature mind. There is shelter, although simple, composed of earthly materials such as rocks, stones, dandelions. I blow the seeds of the dandelion; they fly into the second picture and get eaten by habit. Habit is a rekindling creature that comes out every time I allow it to. Habit always dies and I am the only one able to rekindle its burning hunger. Habit mocks me until I allow it to return. I cannot continue this pattern because it erodes my skin and feels good which is good but not right. There is Substance in my mind. It must exit. But exit is invisible to me and to Substance; which crawls around in my head. It tweaks me and tickles my brain until I can do nothing but hurl in a reckless ball of body upon the ground in a relentless effort to put Substance to sleep. Substance is inexorable and unusually strong in physical and mental strength, although I am stronger because I am existence. Substance has no substance, although sometimes it is substance. I wish to remove this from my head, not memory, forever although possibility would be an underlying factor. I have approximately 26 trillion red blood cells in the human body that I am living in. How much of me could you take without taking me? How much of me could you take without taking you? Surely there are cells intertwined with yours inside of the body that I take temporary dwelling inside of. Surely there are beginnings of X-chromosomes connecting with ends of Y-chromosomes. Surely this does not make me you, only mingles interminably. How could this be if this is not meant to be?

Things (are becoming painfully obvious)

angry plane.

a decision that cannot be left to chance. Wherever the answer lies, we must find this ending point in time. For how much longer can myself be found in determination? Can I not find something beyond this means, inevitably concrete, existing? There simply is no room for naivety to begin trying this extant. The dealer says don’t play, but tells me I have a Royal Flush… I feel like spitting on that Ace and throwing it onto his greasy face. Instead I walk away from the dirty table because something that I cannot lose is my dignity. My King of hearts falls to the floor into the sticky mess of beer you’ve left on the concrete. You are full of majesty, why are you not the King of this place? Noble and handsome, fallen and broken hearted. Little one, those are there to make space for all of the pieces of myself I will bring to you. This cannot be a time for a game of cards… Choose your detour correctly, because it is only a detour not an alternate route. You are at my funeral. This is not the detour I chose! You are screaming at all of the people. They do not have faces only black suites. You asked for my heart. You said you didn’t need it but you asked for it anyway. I said yes. You said thank you. I loved that voice. I want to ask for my heart back but you couldn’t hear me anymore. I am in the ground and you don’t know where I went. You are screaming at everybody, but your not screaming about me. Don’t you know what I would do for you? I don’t feel you anymore. I love you for the memories of when I did feel you. Will I keep them or will they go away? Stranger. You consist of naivety. Don’t you know? You fool. I want everything. You bastard. Don’t give me everything; just give me what is mine, you bastard. Give me everything, you fucking bastard. I love you! More than anyone ever will. I am made of chance. Why can you not supply me with some sort of foundational ground? The ground has been floating underneath me for too long, it has turned me into chance. It has turned me into crashing determination. What is this about???????? A decision that cannot be left to chance “I am chance”. STRANGERS, who do they think they are. Who do you think you are? People and their naivety. This world will be gone in time anyway. You’ll be dust and I’ll be dust and so will the lady sitting next to me…she tries to read my paper and I stare into her eyes so she looks away. So will office depot where we wrestled all sweaty in your car and so will Tennessee where I said goodbye and sent you off. Your guitars will be dust and so will your voice that sang me to sleep every night. Your dumb jean shorts and the stupid present I made you for your birthday will all be dust. So why am I fighting so hard anyway? I guess I cant help it… I guess I’m afraid to lose all of these memories.. I guess I want to write down everything so that I don’t forget in 3 years if you still haven’t come back. I want to write down the times you’ve laughed the hardest and the times you told me I was the hottest girl you’ve ever seen. I want to write down the times I held your hand and I want to write down the times we made out. I want to write down all the tv show’s we’ve watched and all the food we’ve shared. I don’t want to forget. Please. Don’t let me forget. I cannot forget what I love. Please come home soon. I desperately miss you.

Find me. Please.

when you're around i feel like i did last year, i mean when i was 8. when i played hide and seek and my entire body was shaking because i could hear the finder's tiny voice throughout the dark house. ready or not hear i come. it was but a whisper through the layers of pillows that invaded my personal space and clogged my passage to air. i was never one of those kids to reveal my hiding spot before the finder would find me. i never understood the point when kids came crawling out from underneath desks and shimmying their scrawny bodies from behind bedposts. were they scared of the dark or were they scared of success? i always sat the quietest and i never came out of my chamber. while i was there it turned into my castle and i was the queen. although i was silent in waiting, in my head i was ruling the world. nothing could stop me. it was the most amazing feeling in the world. i absolutely loved this game. the only thing that could halfway give away my secret consignment was the occasional giggle that snuck out of the men and woman and children that I was in company with, eating and dancing and singing with. Suddenly the pillow that seemed to be 100 feet long would be lifted off my face and the finder would laugh, knowing she’d won. “found you”, she’d say. I’d laugh too and forget, for now, about my secret and enchanted castle. I’d climb out of the pile using all of my muscles. This was a great game. When I was 8 I felt good.

Winners.

This weapon of destruction swallows people’s suffering. And no confusion. You ain’t winning if you’re losing.

There’s no point in straining when you’re stuck inside that medium. What I mean is that there really shouldn’t be any struggle with medium. If you’re not winning than you’re losing. There’s a lot of “moral victories” in this world, but that doesn’t mean it’s a victory. What I mean is that even if you’re trying it doesn’t often mean you’re gonna win. Does that even count for anything anymore? I think it just shallows people’s suffering. Everybody’s always trying to strip away their pain but that’s something that never leaves. You might think you found a savior that comes into your life and relieves you of your troubles but it only covers them up or bury them deep. There really is no worldly savior. Maybe you are not trying hard enough or maybe you are trying as hard as you can. But you probably wont win either way. What I mean is that you HAVE to fight but it probably wont change anything. A lot of people stop fighting, and a lot of people think that their fighting will bring about what they are fighting for. I try not to believe in this near “myth”. This is a hard concept, I know. but sometimes it takes a lot of suffering to bring about bliss. There are two earthly things that can bring bliss… suffering and innocence. Sometimes you come to a point in time where you cannot lose anything else because all has already been lost, that is true bliss because that is true independence. When nobody or nothing can cause your suffering, you have experienced mature bliss. Than your strife must turn into strife for others and not for yourself. Just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost. Just because I’m hurting, doesn’t mean I’m hurt. You might be a big fish, in a little pond. This doesn’t mean you’ve won, cause might come along, a bigger one. nb

the night you picked me up. inaccurately described.

A lot’s gone bad and continues to go bad. There are things that are so etched in my mind that I feel like I am there. No, not yesterday. I am there. Some of these things are great things. Some of them are not. But it doesn’t seem to matter now. I sit here in my 250,000 dollar house in a bedroom with a king size bed with my Strawberry Cheesecake candle burning. About 5 % of me hopes that I don’t fall asleep and burn it down. The rest of me dreams for other things, thinks of other things, has no room to hope for no fire. So I went back to that parking lot that we went to when I snuck out of my house at 12:01 AM on January 6-7^th 2008. 16 years old. 19 years old. What does that night mean to you? I can’t imagine you haven’t thought about it since. I sat there and thought about the little details of that night. The puzzle you made for me. Why didn’t you want to keep one of the pieces so that you could bring it back to me when you came home? Why did you make me take the whole puzzle? I don’t want the whole damn puzzle, you know that? I wanted you to have a damn piece of the damn puzzle. I hate that puzzle. I hate it because it’s a whole puzzle, I wanted there to be a piece missing. It can’t possibly be whole with you gone… so why did you even give me that damn puzzle. Blue polka dots and white string. Now I can’t find my sock. Gotta find my sock. Throw those out the window! “I don’t want you coming back here to get those. Those stay out there in this parking lot. They will blow away. Let them go” “Okay.” Blue polka dots on the gray floor mat. “I love you.” “I love you.” 90 days. 1440 minutes/day. 129,600 minutes. Can love change in that many minutes? I wonder. Maybe more minute’s cause my math might be off. It’s getting late. All I can smell is Strawberry Cheesecake and you. Did you know I was crying when we pulled over? Just one or two tears, and you never even saw me. It was because every ounce of me longed for you, the passion inside of me had outgrown my insides. I couldn’t bear it any longer. I was messing up. You were angry at me. You told me you were angry. We sat in the car. I sat on my side and you sat on yours. You said “its ok”. And I cried two tears. Than I told you I had to pee and you said you did too. That was the first time we went to 711 that night. I wanted to drive because I didn’t want you to see me crying. I wanted to make you happy. How could I make you happy if I was crying? I haven’t written about this night since that night. We went to 711 and we had a pee race competition. You peed faster. But I washed my hands and you didn’t. than we left. We went to that one parking lot. The one that had the grass that I wanted to lay in but you didn’t because you were too cold. So we stayed in the car. I didn’t really want to lay in the grass I was just sad and that is why I got out of the car and asked if you wanted to lay in the grass. That parking lot isn’t my God. Sure felt like it that night. 16 years old. 19 years old. We listened to Beach House and you made up your own lyrics about McDonalds and called it Bitch Hoose. You asked kindly. I said yes. We went back to 711. I stayed in the car. I said please. You said okay.

“I love you.” “I love you.”

I fell asleep

You woke me up

I can’t stop shaking. Please sing me the calm down with me song. I guess not. Please sing me a worship song. Please. Please. Please sing me In Christ Alone. Please pray so quiet that I have to push the phone so close to my ear that my ear feels numb after you say Amen. Please sing me the calm down with me song and call me Bay Ba Boo.

Now its late and I’m on the phone with you and you are singing to me. I am falling asleep but I would never actually fall asleep. When you are done I am awake again. You tell me you are going to get a drink of water. I am going to go with you. Soon I have to pee so I take you with me. Time is the only thing against us, and we can deal with that. I ask you how you feel and you say good. I am too so you make me feel better and than you get sleepy and sing me the calm down with me song. I tell you a story. Suddenly we’re not sleepy anymore. 3AM. We wish we could kiss through the phone. So maybe you come over and kiss me? Maybe… but most likely we’ll just talk about you coming over and kissing me.. we both know we have great imaginations.I watch the video’s inside of your head and you make sure I can see them alright. you tell me about Magooville and all that it has to offer me. Can we go back there? Ever? Please? Milk dud trees and a hill that overlooks everything with a pond we can make love beside. It’s all ours. I don’t understand how this city does not enter your mind and prompt you to call.

Nobody said it would be easy.

I wish I didn’t fall asleep

That night was tonight.

Nothing was right and nothing was good. But I love you

We were sad together except we still smiled and loved. We learned to look past and love. Can love change in 129,600 minutes? No. I’m sorry. I would like another chance please, 719 205 9082, 7196844804, I still have it, but I wont call. I still love you. is it still you? have you been to office depot? I have. Sometimes I leave notes and hope that the next day you show up and write your number on it, inviting a phone call. Than I would call you and be so happy. Happiness doesn’t come from other people. When that happens I am never happy. Happiness comes from god. God is good and never leaves. I cant remember a time that I saw you after January 6-7 2008. That was the last time I saw you. I got out of the car and I didn’t close the door. You told me “go” and so I closed the door but I didn’t go. Why did you know that it would be a long time? I put my hand on the window and you kissed your hand and put it against mine. But I couldn’t feel it cause that glass got in the way. That damn glass. I just wanted to feel your hand. But the glass got in the way. All the sudden I ran. Than I fell asleep.

You didn’t wake me up.

A lot has changed. A lot of bad has happened. Nothing is good. But I love you. I am in love with you. Am I in love with a stranger? I just need to know this. Please. I just need to know if I know you.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. Maybe one day i will try to re-write this and make it fairly accurate.

keeping secrets.

I write because I have secrets that I cannot tell anybody here. I write to you because you are the only one that know my secrets. I tuck the paper away in a blank envelope and seal them as tight as I can because you left. I am thinking very hard right now. I have sat here with this blank piece of paper for several hours. I cannot get words onto this blank piece of paper. I am trying to make things simple for a reader by concentrating very hard. The notion of loneliness does not scare me. I am not scared of myself. How is anybody afraid to die? I am scared to live, I am not scared to die. I am not scared to feel pain. I have already felt the pain. I cannot feel it any more than I have. That does not scare me. What scares me is not feeling the pain. I am sitting at the bus stop with my suitcase and a long world length mirror is across the street, which helps me to stare at myself in the eyes. I am not scared to stay here, I have already stayed. I am just scared of not going because what if you are there calling. “Put that suitcase away. This mirror will travel with you wherever you go. You will look across pastures, through rivers, and above mountains and you will see this mirror. It will continue to force you to look into your own eyes. You will not be able to run from who you are.” Somebody used to tell me that I would “be ok”. I never understood this statement. You know if somebody tells you that you will be ok, that person knows you wont be. Nobody goes around saying “you’ll be ok” if they know you are fine. I left that bus before anybody could see me there. I took a rock and smashed it against the world length mirror and took a piece of it with me. I look in it and see you in me and know that I still have a piece of you.

The sound of loneliness makes me happier.

the old lady.

_____________________

The other day I was driving down the road and I saw an old lady walking on the sidewalk. She looked lost, so I pulled over. I asked her if she needed a ride. She said she didn’t know where she was. I could tell she was ill. She could barely walk. She could barely talk. She got in my car and started crying. I asked her where she needed to go. She told me an address. It wasn’t far from where she was wandering. I asked her where she was coming from. She said home. I asked her who she lives with. She said her husband. I wondered where he was. I didn’t ask. I asked her where she was going. She didn’t answer me. I dropped her off. I gave her my number. I told her to call me if she needed a ride home. She got out and left. She never called me.

___________________________

random thoughts

Inside of my body is blood that is flowing too fast and a heart that chooses when it wants to beat. Sometimes when I feel like being sad I look around at this world. It is scary when you wake up and realize what an odd life the sleeping one is. Last week I was on my way to the cemetery to visit Samuel Call. Samuel was a smart baby. He was a gift to the Call Family, but God was playing Indian giver cause he wanted him back after one day. I was driving on 10^th street. Outside the car window there was a girl sprinting the sidewalk crying so many tears that I wondered why they didn’t empty out. “Run! Faster!” I whispered to her. I know she heard me; because she ran so much faster.

my mind.

4th of July here in the USA, too bad the city cut back the budget by 39 grand. I watch you anyways. This time's not the same but the scenes project themselves and it becomes awfully close. I take a time bomb back to last year and enjoy that one instead. By the time I snap back the show is over, but last years is still going, so I choose that one instead. Its not like I’m missing the lights, I’m just watching a different one than every body else's. There’s a lot more people now; because now its last years and this years voices. I turn them off and turn up the exploding until it’s blasting everybody over. Everybody is falling over but I max it out anyway. Some times people fall over for no reason. The grass competes for wet and dry. Last year wants it to be wet and this year wants it to be dry. It fights battles in my head and the swords stab my brain. I make sure that I don’t interfere in the fight. I laugh under my breath because I am temporarily a bystander of my own mind. I can’t tell where I laugh, but I think it is silent. I hear a word in this year at the same time as I hear the same word from last year. This smashes last year. This year always wins when that happens. I have no idea what the voices are talking about in this year, the only reason I came back is because the words synced. This is when it starts getting crowded. All of the sudden like an attack on pearl harbor; last year fast forwards, rewinds, pauses, plays… divides into another and another and another. Before I know it I have two eyes and one brain attending 4 different places and one body participating in 4 events. I do not interfere. because I can’t. i am sorry that I cannot explain this better, my mind is wandering.

August 2.09

I used to be angry and impatient and frightened. Now I’ve become just increasingly ill, or maybe just worn thin. You say you don’t want to hurt me, but don’t be worried, you couldn’t dent me if you tried. I stand here staring at you, really I’m not cause you’re nowhere near, but all your videos run through my head like a slideshow that cannot pause and cannot fast-forward. Last week I cried in the airplane coming home from Vermont because the teenage boy in the window seat next to me told me about whats happened to him. When it got too hard to speak I wrote it down on a napkin instead. I shared my pop rocks with him and they fizzed on his tongue. I read where somebody said they wanted to have their funeral now so they could see who would show up. I never want to have my funeral. Cause I know exactly who would show up and who wouldn’t.

(August 2.09)