...Feeling aimless without somebody to follow...

Last Year

Last year when the little things like driving through campus with the windows down made us feel like we owned the world. Last year when we'd walk through the cafeteria at lunch time just to say hello to all of our favorite people and make sure everyone knew we were the popular ones. Last year when we'd be the only girls at the school wearing dresses and bows in our hair on cold, snowy days. Last year when we'd make excuses to go into the gym just to watch the boys practice. Last year when little things like hugs from Heidi and good grades from Professor Mitchell were things to smile about. Last year when we had time to play hide and seek from Andrew in the middle of a school day just because we wanted to mess with him. Last year when Michael sat bitch in back of my car and Liz and Janelle wore sweat pants like normal as we drove to ihop for my birthday dinner.

Shake it off (Florence and The Machine)

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn

YOU.

All I want to do is look at you
By Natalie Bendinelli

At the break of dawn I wake up.
My body is still and warm.
I peek through the curtain of my window and see the mountain range,
Bright and encompassed in pink morning light.
My heart cannot believe it’s beauty, but I think to myself
That all I want to do is look at you.

In the mid-morning breeze I walk briskly
Starting a new day.
I look up into the endless sky and see a blue bird.
Flying creative circles in the clouds: free and playful.
My heart cannot believe it’s beauty, but I think to myself
That all I want to do is look at you.

In the late afternoon my eye catches a tiny flower,
Growing alone amongst the grass,
Bright pink, white and yellow,
The colors shock my senses.
My heart cannot believe it’s beauty, but I think to myself,
That all I want to do is look at you.

The day has come and gone.
My house is dark and quiet.
I think a pretty thought, of a pretty dream to come.
With mountains, bluebirds, and flowers.
My heart cannot believe life’s beauty, but I think to myself,
Before I drift asleep,
That all I want to do is look at you.

You, lighter than the morning mountains.
You, freer than the flying bluebird.
You, more colorful than the flower.
All I want to do is look at you.

I miss...

Times I wanted to stay but had to leave

good and bad

lazy sunday.

another lazy sunday. taking pictures of each other.

words

things i love (this week).

made my mark.

lessons learned

Grace.

Change

Balancing Act

she makes my life better.

cameron 8/20

crying

Dancing with Doctors.

I was out dancing tonight and a good-looking, recently graduated neuro-sergeant asked me to dance. It made me really realize how much I like him when I couldn't concentrate on the doctor, with the thought of him in the forefront of my mind.

Toys everywhere.

That night.

New life.

Pink Balloons

Laughing our heads off

God.

Every plane ride has a different story.

Being clingy.

Old Man.

Went to the gym

every time

copy cat

you call too much

when we crashed

blue

sweet dee and britt

an athlete?

kenzie

dream car

suddenly i felt very confused
when i knew better then
my biggest role model

every kiss

Costa Rica

What is to come to pass, shall pass.

Gray

My sister, Kerri, explained me best, when somebody asked about our styles. She said, “Brittany is the intricate one. She dresses fashionable and complex. I am the simple one. I dress effortless and plain. Natalie, she is somewhere in-between.” I am always somewhere in-between.

I often feel as though others are holding onto my past, when I am ready to let go of it. I have never been this ready to move on before in my entire life. It's my life; why am I waiting on others?

life goes on.

Life is changing. They say nothing stays the same, yet life will go on. The sun will rise. The clouds will form shapes. The moon will hold the man. And the birds will fly south. There will be more sleepless nights, Uncle Marc will disappoint, and Dustin will keep making excuses. Pat will tend to his lawn, Becky will wish he would text, and Sidney will try to fit in. Morgan will work her way to the top, and Erik will substitute family for soccer. Justin will lead us on and Bailey will keep changing the world and Kerri will cry at night and wish somebody would come and help make her life just a little bit better. I will skip meals and try not to forget to pray and visit my prison girls and spend my days with the two little ones. I’ll wake up early and struggle with my self-worth and try to live up to way-too-high-expectations everyday. I’ll get average grades and dress average and be the average soccer player. Tyler will text me about suicide and Anna will never miss a day of praying. Crystal will eat peanut butter and Kenzie will drive barefoot and airplanes and birds and seagulls will fly in the sky up above. And the galaxies will not fight their destiny.

instruments of change

dont jump

kids

things that make me happy

indecisive

forgetting

people pleaser

compassion