let the magic in: 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

Occasionally out of nowhere I remember the tiniest memory of you or I’ll do something that I know you would have loved. When that happens, my stomach feels empty and my whole body goes weak. For a moment, I feel as though I need to know where you are or how you are doing. But before I can do anything about it, the moment passes and my stomach once again fills with the feeling of acceptance.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I’m about to begin my new journey. A new start. A beginning apart from my past. Today I will depart on a retreat to Estes Park with 300 other athletes at my new school. Colorado Christian University. I have no idea how I ended up here. Absolutely no idea. 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last year, I would have never guessed I would be here today, anticipating that Christ is going to meet me in greater ways than ever before. I honestly know that he has prepared me for this school and for the things that it has to offer me. And I honestly know he has done this by the way I have gotten here. My past is going to allow me to work through people and to allow people to work through me. Just because I am starting at a new school, in a new place, in a new season of my life, doesn’t mean that my past has no significance in my life. I am letting it go. God is allowing himself to fill holes in my life that I have tried to fill with every other possible earthly possession. Boys, money, the latest item, degrading my body, perfecting my body, in purifying my spirit. Nothing has worked. Nothing. And now, God is finally, finally allowing me to see. He is opening my eyes already, and I haven’t even begun at the school yet. He wants me to be consumed by Him. He wants to be my everything. And that is such an amazing feeling, that God himself wants to be MY everything. It’s a feeling that I haven’t ever been able to feel in my entire life before. I’ve said the words 1000 times, I’ve heard the words a billion times. And I’ve only felt them a few. But God is continually growing my faith. He is growing my prayer life. He is growing my confidence. He is growing my strength. He is growing my love for others. And as he continues to do this, I know, I KNOW he is going to do a work through me and in me. I know he is going to use me. I want to look at this school as how I can help others, and be helped. I want it to be a two-way path. I want to be able to be used. I want to learn how to use others to help me. I don’t want to feel like an inconvenience just by allowing somebody else to help me. I want God to capture me. I want God to steal me. I want God to fill me with his strength. Without him I’d be falling over to the ground. Without him my muscles will shrivel. Without him my lungs will shrink. Without him my legs will break. Without him my bones will brittle. My God is literally my ONLY strength. I am completely and utterly falling in love with my Jesus who has been working in my life since before I was born. I am ready to give my entire life, every crevice and corner to his work and his service. I am ready to strive towards his will. I am ready to completely let go of my past. I need his help. I am ready to strive towards a new beginning apart from everything that has happened. I am ready to finally see the lessons I’ve learned through Jesus’ work in me and on the cross. I am ready to admit that Jesus is my everything. Not just my half. He is my everything. I cannot walk without him. I cannot breathe without him. I need Him to grow my faith, my wisdom, my purity, my love, my strength, my confidence more than he has ever before. I need him to bless me with friends. I need him to bless me with the will power to do what I know is right. And through the lessons that I’ve learned I have no excuse because I know exactly what God wants me to do and what God doesn’t want me to do. I pray that God can direct my passionate energy in the right direction. I pray that God can help me heal my heart and protect my heart. I pray that I protect the hearts of everybody I come in contact with. I pray that I can be a prayer guardian over whoever God places on my heart. I pray that I can pray with passion and energy and fire and spirit and wisdom. I pray that I can pray simply. I pray that I can pray through the spirit and that the spirit can pray through me. I pray that I cannot lose sight of what is in store for me. I pray that CCU works through me and grows me into who God is leading me to be. I pray for faith. I pray for strength. I pray for the ability to conquer the anxiety that tries to rule in my heart. God is bigger than it. I don’t need to do the exact right thing. I don’t need to say the right words. God will be there with me. I don’t need to be perfect. God is allowing me to be enough, just the way I am. I need to be enough. Let it be enough. Thank Jesus that I am not perfect and that it is enough. Thank Jesus that His standards aren’t based on a perfection scale and that it is okay and honoring to Him to not strive towards perfection, but to strive towards honoring Him. He is with me and He is hovering over me in love and in protection. His covering is over me, no matter what. And this, I can be confident of.

Until next time,
NGB

Friday, July 23, 2010

sleepy eyes

i've got some sleepy eyes. i didn't sleep too much last night, cause i'm set off for the west coast. these three handsome boys are going to snatch me from the airport. i've got a carry on with a bikini and we'll head straight to the beach. my asian-kissed sister's gonna arrive just in time for us four crazies to be sun-kissed. just in time for us to grab her from that plane and begin our state side weekend. i love this family.